Thursday, December 22, 2011

Daily 18


Daily 18 :: 12/22/2011

Existential Questions
  • My lack of solid, substantive relationships came to a head today
  • I realized that my ability to create friendships is rather weak, which is an underlying problem for anything stronger than just a friendship, and for keeping and maintaining current friendships
  • One major issue is that while I'm empathic, I have a difficult time stepping in other people's shoes
    • My inability to see things from the perspectives of others was masked by a couple things
      • First, my natural empathy helped me to understand the emotions of others, which helped me to think I understood them, but understanding rarely went deeper than emotion unless I managed to deduce something.
      • Second, I have the ability to see other perspectives to an extent, especially pertaining to things in which I have experience.
      • However, in spite of these things, my experience in relationships (friendships and otherwise) is rather limited due to how my life has happened, and, as a result, my ability to switch perspectives in regards to such things is extremely narrow.
    • I'm not going to specifically specify what behavior I recognized, but I realized at least one behavior I was engaging in.
    • Essentially I was engaging in a behavior that I knew was causing issues, but didn't quite "understand" until I actually put myself in their shoes.
    • Understanding puts me in a better position to avoid the behavior, but there's still things I need to do in order to improve.
  • When I can resolve these quandary's, I'll be in a better position to make friends and keep friendships. I'll be a better friend, which is a great goal, because it will help me stay happier.

24-Hour Shift
  • I'm alive, so all is well
  • My feet were definitely killing me though, need some insoles for sure.
  • I have another one from Christmas Eve into Christmas Day! Wish me luck.

An Insane Amount of Hours
  • In addition to the 24-hour shift, I have 3 other 8 hour Eve shifts on schedule
  • I was told that I can pick up a Sleep Aid whenever I do an Eve shift, and since my Eve shifts already push me into overtime, I can potentially pick up a huge amount of hours this week, should they actually allow me to pick up a Sleep Aid for each Eve shift.

Awesome Salad
  • Romaine Lettuce, Walnuts, Apples, Feta Cheese, Cinnamon, and a dressing made of Olive oil, apple cider, cinnamon and allspice? What could be better?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Monday, December 19, 2011

Daily 15


Daily 15 :: 12/17/2011

Old and New
  • The other day I stopped in by my old work to pick up a sandwich, yes, I still intend to eat there from time to time, both because I do enjoy their food and because it gives me a chance to keep in touch with former co-workers.
  • "Graduated" from the JRC program today!
  • I have two Overnight "Training" shifts, where I'll do a full, actual shift where I'm still counted as "training".
  • Then I'll have 30 days in which I can make mistakes that can be reported to training for a "retraining" and not count against my evaluations.
  • Then I'll have another 4 to 4 1/2 months where I'll be in my "probationary" period, after which I'll be considered a full-fledged employee and begin being eligible for things such as direct deposit, additional trainings, vacation time and more.

New Job Excitement
  • The new job offers a lot of potential if I don't screw it up
  • Not only is there career growth, but, if I want to take extra shifts, there's good opportunities for me to do that, and, by doing that, I can make a lot of extra funds which I can use to pay down debts and get myself on solid footing
  • Of course there's career growth too. With some extra schooling I can work my way up to a much higher position after a few years, with some excellent pay which I can use to support a life: a wife, kids, the beginnings of a family. (I can get other, smaller promotions along the way if I perform well).

Friends
  • My friend from WoW, who I'll call Geek Girl, just to spite her, complained that I didn't give her a shout out in my most recent vlog, which is so wrong, because I gave her a shout out in an earlier one, but here, shouting out again. Geek girl is awesome! And one of my favorites. Oi!

Exhausted
  • Helped someone move today, and it was only a couple of things but I'm already exhausted. Hopefully work isn't too bad tonight.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Daily 14


Daily 14 :: 12-15-2011

Today
  • I work from 3-11 today, which is different. We'll be getting some practical training in the residences, hence the late shift.
  • I got my car back today! Woohoooooooo!
  • I'm going to have to figure out what I want to do today before I go to work. I don't really have any errands to run, but I do have some things I could write.
Fun with Friends
  • Grady was upset that I didn't mention her epic vocals in my last vlog, you should check her channel out at ActinForever, somewhere in there she has two camp videos where she sings. If you can pick out her voice, you're better than I!
  • Shout to to Andrew, my best friend who I never talk to! Gah.

If you can think of anything more fun...
  • Let me know!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Daily 13


Daily 13 12/14/2011

Last Day of Restraint Training
  • Technically today was "Practical Application of Physical Skills (PAPS)" which made it sound like we were going to be tested physically on what we were learned, but we just had one simple paper quiz and then some more Safety Care training.
  • Tired and exhausted, like yesterday!
  • I was restrained for about 15 minutes or more in one go today as part of a demonstration, it was not easy! It's obvious why the most restrictive restraints are a last resort and very heavily regulated.

Car
  • I get it back tomorrow!
  • I realized how much my car picks up by experiencing the lack thereof in my sister's car
  • I still HATE driving, but I definitely miss having my own vehicle

New People
  • Have had fun on OkCupid meeting new people, it's nice to make friends as well as seek out potential relationships.
  • Have just recently met an inspiring young woman with a passion for music and singing, she offers lessons. Wonder if I should take her up on them!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Daily 12


Daily 12: 12/13/2011

Tired
  • Yesterday and Today have been intense with "Safety Care" training
  • Safety Care is essentially training for how to deal with situations that may require restraint or containment of some sort
    • The reason why it's not restraint training is because it also discussed concepts on de-escalating the situation in order to avoid restraint
  • We got into the actual restraints today, which has left my legs, arms and body exhausted.

Stretching
  • Holy cow stretching feels amazing when you're done with it!
  • I forgot that stretching felt so good, I should definitely stretch a bit every day when I get up I think.

Car
  • The car is finished, but I won't be able to pick it up until Thursday
  • Considering getting a second opinion on it when I get the car back, I really want to make sure they fixed whatever the problem was, and didn't just choose to ignore it.
  • In the mean time I'll be borrowing my sister's vehicle again

Sister
  • Speaking of my sister... she comes home in roughly a week. I'm sort of excited, I miss her.

Crazy Woman
  • Grady just admitted to working from 7:30am to 9:30pm!
  • Of course, if you do it every day, it feels "normal" and isn't so bad. But wow! Sheesh, talk about busy.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Daily 11


Daily 11: 12-10-2011

Daily Debate
  • Debated whether or not do a daily today, as it is the weekend and I told myself "just keep to doing updates during the week".
  • Then I realized that it's my thing and I can do it whenever I want. *insert evil laugh here*
Cleaning
  • Today has been about cleaning the room, because clean rooms are awesome
  • "But Steven, your room looks the same!"
  • To the naked eye it does, because what you see in the camera is stuff that will likely remain there until the room is finished
  • I still have a little bit more cleaning to do.
  • Probably won't finish today because I'm a procrastinator!
PIZZA!!!
  • Free medium pizza from Papa Johns
  • Got the call earlier in the week and thought it was a scam until I listened to it the second time
  • Didn't feel like cooking and no one else was going to be cooking so I used up my "Free Pizza" card. It was delicious and unhealthy
  • The amount of grease I got off from patting the pie with paper towels was DISGUSTING
Neuroticism
  • So, I like a girl, and liking a girl means being neurotic, for me.
  • How do I know that I'm interested in someone? I get giddy with excitement, a "crush" feeling
    • I want to know everything about them
    • I want to share stuff about me
    • I want to talk talk talk talk talk
  • My intensity can be overwhelming and scare people off
  • I thought I had pushed the girl away, that or she'd gotten injured or worse. My worry was acting up.
  • I remembered tonight that she had mentioned being in "Tech Week" for her play, so I looked it up just to see what Tech week was. Tech week, aka hell week is the intense final week of play rehearsals leading up to the actual shows in which there are grueling long hours of rehearsals and monotonous runthroughs of every aspect of the play in order to get everything "just right".
  • I sent the girl a text exclaiming my disbelief at the truth of Tech Week and she responded with a laughing text and "it's nuts".
<3 Friends
  • I talked to my friend Mal about my neurotic episode, and she helped me through it slightly.
  • Granted, the feelings of intense worry and such are mine and mine alone to deal with, but she listened and spoke and made it easier for me to lay out what I was feeling.
  • It's good to have friends who can listen like that

Friday, December 9, 2011

Daily 10


Daily 10: 12/9/2011

Work
  • Mostly review today, eventually went and did practical application
  • Practical application was sort of chaotic today which means I learned very little as the person shadowing me had to do a lot of supervisory work and couldn't let me do much.
  • Overall work went pretty well, but, going into week 3, I'm finding my real need is in practical experience. Next week I'll get a lot more of that, hopefully, as well as Safety Care training, which will allow me to do nearly everything I need to do as an MHA.
  • Still nervous, but even more excited. As much as this job has the potential for some really nasty/dangerous moments the potential for doing real good is there.

Car
  • Called up the dealer where I bought the car and had to explain the situation again
  • Will be bringing the car in Monday night and hopefully be getting it back Tuesday, but I suspect that it might take longer than that if the problem is serious.

Personal
  • Weekend is mine to do with what I please, but I'm not sure what I'll be doing.
  • I have some cleaning to do.
  • Would like to hang out with, possibly go on a date with an individual, but she's likely to be busy.
  • I'm going to try and enjoy myself either way.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Daily 9


Daily 9: 12-8-2011

New Job!
  • Working at the Judge Rotenberg Center (JRC)
  • It's a somewhat controversial treatment facility for individuals with behavioral problems, some of whom are developmentally delayed and others of whom exhibit specific emotional disturbances.
  • Almost finished with the second week of training, there's one more third week of training to go and then I become an actual employee
  • Nervous: it's very easy to get fired there
  • Excited: Job is in my field, even if not directly what I intended to do, if I enjoy it I can easily advance and do a lot of good within the facility
  • The increased pay will finally allow me to begin considering moving out and forging my own life

New Car!
  • First car, in fact
  • Already had an incident with it: trying to pull out of an unfamiliar driveway
  • Service Engine Soon light came on today, but, luckily, it's still covered by the law-mandated warranty for used cars, since I bought it less than 30 days ago (just barely made the cut there)

What do I intend to do with this Blog?
  • Not sure yet, but I do have some vids I'd like to make.
  • In the mean time, I'd like to keep up on the dailies.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Eating Healthier

I'm a big fan of food, and I love flavor in my food. If you ask any trained Chef, they'll tell you that most good dishes start with pure cream and butter. The best tasting things tend to be very bad for you, healthwise, but oh do they taste soooooooooo good. I've been sort of bad about handling this properly though, letting my lack of self-discipline get me into trouble with eating just about whatever I've wanted.

On the outside, my body has shown very little wear for the self-destructive eating course I've been on. I did gain 30 lbs Freshman year, which gave me a slightly chubbier appearance. However, for the most part, I have looked fine and healthy in spite of what I've been eating. Whereas much of our nation (and increasingly in the world) has shown signs of obesity and other obvious indicators of overeating and poor diets, I've been rather unaffected, on the outside.

On the inside is a different story entirely.

Health Problems
Headaches
Since Junior or Senior year of High School I've dealt with an issue of chronic headaches. In the beginning the headaches were so bad that I was getting them, quite literally, every day and of a severe intensity each day, usually 4 and occasionally 5 on my personal scale. During the summer between my Senior year of High School and my Freshman year of College I went to see my personal physician to see what the cause of my headaches were.

The tests were fairly inconclusive, but my detailed description of the pain and localization of my headaches convinced him that there was some sort of notable issue. He prescribed me with some fairly standard low-grade painkillers and a prescription of Oxy Codone for when the headaches got particularly bad.

The low-grade pain killers did nothing. The Oxy Codone made me sick.

Anyways, I went to college, still suffering from the pain of my chronic headaches. It was the physician at my college who suggested the headaches might be stress/blood-pressure related. He put me on a regimen of prescriptions: Elavil (an old anti-depressant more modernly used to prevent headaches),  Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant, to manage the stress), and some standard blood pressure medication.

The medications did help to some extent. No longer was I receiving headaches every day, but I still received them frequently, and, there was an occasional doozy in there (level 4-5), roughly once a month. But I'm not on the medications anymore, as I'm not covered by insurance, and, to be honest, I don't want to be on medications for the rest of my life, so, even when I do get health insurance again, I want to explore alternative options.

Chronic Fatigue
This is another difficult one to explain, but I'm tired. A lot. I often find myself just feeling fatigued, especially in my limbs. I can generally function, but I don't have the good feeling that comes with being rested that one should usually have. It's one thing to be tired at the end of the day and quite another to be tired even after waking up. I can't pinpoint quite when I first noticed the fatigue, but it's been with me for a couple years at least, and got significantly worse over the past year (though it recently got a bit better).

The main issues with the fatigue are:
  • My new job: When I finish training, I'll be working at a job which will, at times, be very physically taxing. If I have to restrain a patient in crisis, I need my full strength with me.
  • Exercise: It's bad enough that my self-discipline makes it difficult to stay on task, but, if I'm tired all the time, I have yet another excuse to keep me from making this a habit.
  • Well-being: I'm generally happy and content, but I don't feel "good", and feeling "good" should be something that's a part of living life. I'd like to feel "good" a bit more often.
  • Other: There are some other issues which I don't have time to get into, but, in general, feeling tired all the time is a bad thing.
The Chronic fatigue seems to be something which is a bit of a Catch-22: If I begin to exercise more, there's a good chance that I'll have conquered the problem and have more energy. Unfortunately, it's difficult to exercise more when you feel exhausted all the time. Thankfully, I can build up to it. Sadly, it may not be just an issue with exercise. Another issue which might be causing it is...

Sleep Apnea
"Sleep apnea (or sleep apnoea in British English; English pronunciation: /æpˈniːə/) is a sleep disorder characterized by abnormal pauses in breathing or instances of abnormally low breathing, during sleep." <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_apnea">Wikipedia (Sleep Apnea)</a>. It's easy to fall into the habit of self-diagnosing, as, with many things, most people tend to fall into a few symptoms from many things. I've not yet been diagnosed with Sleep Apnea, but, at present, it seems a likely explanation for the troubles I've had sleeping. I wake up frequently at night, which is quite bothersome since I have to fall asleep again and I might be losing out on valuable REM sleep which seems most important in getting that "rested" feeling from "a good night's sleep".

Sleep Apnea is a tricky one. I've tried different sleeping positions: left and right, on the side, legs tucked; On my back; On my stomach; and, most recently, "sitting up". And yet, in spite of all of my efforts, I still wake up at night and never feel rested when waking up. Obesity has been known to be related to Sleep Apnea, but I'm not obese. I'm a bit over my target weight, but not enough for me to think that it should be the cause. However, perhaps adjusting my eating habits will help.

Eating
So, where is this sudden self-consciousness about my eating habits coming from?

In my training at the JRC they showed a video which was, according to them, to explain the reasons for the food program they used for the majority of students at the center. I'll admit, I think they could have made a video to explain such without showing us a 2-hour video that literally proselytized the dangers of an "animal-based" diet. It was slightly taken aback by the severe bias in the video and was plenty skeptical of some of the points made when it was done, but being skeptical doesn't mean it didn't give me cause to think.

There were some decent points made that I'd like to find research to support. However, in the mean time, I think it's reasonable to change some of the more obvious eating habits and try to steer myself on a course of a healthier path in eating.

Immediate Changes
Some of the following are things that I'm going to change immediately, as there's already plenty of evidence to support them. If I find information which suggests or diminishes them though, I may reconsider as I go along:
  • Whole Wheat: Whole wheat and other grains in general. Apparently the process for producing the common, "enriched" flour takes out a lot of the fiber, vitamins and minerals. They put a lot of the vitamins and minerals back in, but the fiber is lost and, in general, enriched flour mucks up your intestines. Unfortunately, finding things which have "whole wheat" without "enriched flour" is very difficult, so I'm going to have to do a bit more research and see what I can get away with.
  • Less Salt: I love salt, and, in cooking, salt is a huge part of adding flavor to most things, especially meat. I've been more conscious of salt in general lately, but still been rather lax on watching the intake. I'm going to take a pretty decent look at the sodium of what I'm eating, and minimize salt where it's not needed. However, a good, healthy amount of salt to season various foods will still be a part of my diet.
  • Less Sugar: My sweet tooth is crying. I love sugar, and I'm not sure if I can strictly keep off of my not-so-secret addiction, but I'm damn well going to try to be better about this. Instead of eating sugar directly, I'm going to try and find other ways to spice up my meals in a sweet manner like cinnamon, which, strictly speaking isn't sweet, but has a similar effect in small doses; also apples and other fruits make for a great way to sweeten things up without adding sugar.
  • No High-Fructose Corn Syrup: We'll see how this goes, this shit is in everything. It's like big corporations just don't care about the crap they're feeding us (big surprise, right?). I've known that this stuff was bad for awhile, but sort of shrugged off how prevalent it was. I'm going to earnestly try and avoid it as much as I can while doing some research into just how bad it is.
  • Less Oils: Apparently a lot of vegetable oils are very cholesterol-inducing, and not necessarily good. Unfortunately, it's difficult to find a lot of research on this one, but, for the time being, I'm going to try and shy away from the oils (with the exception of olive oil) until I can find something more definitive and cave in. This means that most peanut-butters are off limits at the moment! :-l, help me find a new peanut butter?? Between high-fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oil (apparently the worst), peanut-butter is full of bad juju.
  • Less Chocolate: Strictly speaking, Chocolate actually isn't that bad for you. However, since it seems to maybe trigger headaches for me, I'll have to back off until I figure it out more.
  • Less/No Dairy: This one is rough: Butter, Cream, Eggs, all of these fall under dairy and under things that I'm going to be trying to replace or limit in my diet. Eggs are actually supposed to be pretty healthy (in moderation and predominately with the whites as opposed to the yolk), but, as I'll talk about later, I can't necessarily trust what I've been fed in the mainstream. Butter and Cream are huge in cooking and also major losses, if I don't find suitable replacements for them I may cave a bit.
  • Less Meat: *sighs* This is going to be one of the hardest bits. I love meat and I have few moral qualms with eating it (Factory Farming is pretty cruel, and I hate it, but I've turned a blind eye to it as best I can for my love of meat). However, meat was one of the biggest targets of the film, and while I'm skeptical of many of the points made, a lot of them did make sense and seemed to have some decent support. One thing the film seemed to suggest was that "no meat" was best, and, for now at least, that's not something I intend to do. Our bodies were made to handle meat, whether or not it's supposed to be the dominant portion of our diet is certainly up for debate, but I like my meat and my body can handle it, so I will keep eating meat. However, I will be trying to eat less meat. It's going to be rough, but we'll see if limiting the meat helps.
Things to Research
Being a Psychology major with an emphasis in research for my training, I'm very skeptical of many of the claims made by the video, which definitely had a heavy bias. There are things I need to look up, but it won't necessarily be easy to find the answers. According to the video, even our own "diet recommendations" by the various health associations are off, and deadly, fueling the high rates of heart disease and cancer in our country. They claim that while exercise helps, and should be something more people engage in, that with even the recommended diet allowances, exercise is not enough to prevent the damage done to our bodies on an "animal-based" diet. What are their claims to this fact specifically?
  • Immune System: According to the video, one of our best methods of fighting common cancers is our immune system. They claim that with such a heavy emphasis on meats and other animal products, we deprive our bodies of having the strongest immune systems they can have, and, as a result, our bodies can't fight off cancers as well as they have in the past, leading to a surge in the number of incidents of cancer. Problems to Look Into: The high rates of cancer in our society are often linked to an increase in the number of carcinogens introduced to our bodies through technology, to our increased lifespan which lets us live well into the years when our body naturally begins to fall apart, and other external factors. Researchers have been looking frantically into finding cures for most cancer, which makes it seem odd that a few people would have found that our immune system was the best cure and yet no one cared to listen. Then again, with all of the money being poured into "research" for a cure, it might not be all that ridiculous to imagine why someone might willfully ignore what is presented to them as truth.
  • Heart Disease: Cholesterol has been a big topic for awhile, with doctors talking about good and bad cholesterol and how we have to be careful on overdoing the red meats, since they can cause heart disease later as our arteries choke up and clog. The video, however, takes a far more radical angle to this. According to them, there's no effective difference between "good" and "bad" cholesterol. According to them, we get whatever cholesterol we might need from a plant-based diet and the meats are just a bad idea that will leads to the inevitable clogging of arteries, which leads to heart disease and then subsequent health problems. They also mention that even "light" meat, such as white chicken breast, carries nearly as much cholesterol as red meats, which makes them equally as distasteful. Problems to Look Into: It seems weird that researchers would just "make up" stuff about "good" and "bad" cholesterol if it didn't hold any truth. Clearly research supports something on the matter, which the video seemed to gloss over in its broad-brushed hate of "animal-based" diets. However, the video did bring up a good point that the meat industry lobbyists might be having a say in how the American Public is being told about the "benefits" of eating meat. They stand to lose billions in subsidies, which makes it worth their while to keep politicians close.
  • Health Benefits: Anti-oxidants and other powerful things were promised by the video from the fruits and vegetables and other foods that stand to be eaten from a plant-based diet. What I want to know are the specific benefits and how much of what needs to be eaten in order to gain them. I don't want to just be told "eating this is good for you", I want to know the limits surrounding it so that I can plan my diet accordingly. I have a feeling that the benefits of eating more plant-based stuff will counteract some of the negatives from eating animal-based stuff.
  • Other: The video mentioned things like the High Fructose Corn Syrup, enriched flours, and vegetable oils. The claims mentioned are worth investigating since these things make up much of the food sold to us currently. It's actually very difficult and expensive to get around buying stuff without these supposedly "killer" ingredients.
Conclusion
In the end, I just want to know more. I'm going to try and make some changes. Snack on healthier stuff, cut some of the crap, and eat more veggies and fruits, but, before I make any major decisions, I'd like to make sure that I'm taking a more nutritionally sound route. I'd also like the go-ahead to add some of my more favorite things into whatever I'm eating from here on out, even if in limited amounts.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Vlog 5: Suicide

Video



Outline


Introduction
  • Vlog 5 takes a look at the third type of topic I'd like to discuss: life experiences
    • Three types of topics:
      • Abstract: Love, Happiness; Vlogs 1 and 2: Happiness and Self-Actualization
      • News and Media: Talking about the stories or our reactions to them: Vlog 3: Casey Anthony, talking about our reaction to the outcome of her case.
      • Life Experiences: Suicide is very much a topic of life experience.
    • Life Experience is a rich topic for Being Human because it relates directly to Human Experience, from it we can glean a lot about our nature.
  • Trying something new with this vlog
    • Recording in “segments”
    • Piecing segments together will create “cuts” in the video
    • The hope is that this will improve the quality of the video since I can re-record lacking parts, but it will also give a different feel. Share your opinions!
Disclaimer/Warning
  • My life experiences are pretty personal to me, but I'm a fairly open personality
    • Still, I won't take kindly to having my life experiences mocked or made fun of, keep it polite please
    • I realize there are “trolls”
    • In the future, should I build up a viewer-base, I'd love to share life experiences from others that I feel relate to the Human Experience.
    • Same rule applies to the above, mocking other people's experiences is still not cool
Talking about Suicide
  • Suicide is a very sober topic, won't be a lot of laughter and excitement in this Vlog
  • Suicide relates to the Human Experience because the experiences that we have with it can show us a lot about the value of life, even when it's not valued.
  • My own story is one which is several years in the past, back in the early days of High School, so close to 8 years ago at this point.
  • Our society has an odd quirk about overreacting to things in order to make sure we don't under react. As a result, I had a lot of people, when I told them about the experience, freak out and tell me I should seek help, etc...
    • This experience is in my PAST, it is no longer a problem I deal with
The Story
  • Tell my story...
Background
    • Had few to no friends in High School, definitely didn't have close personal interaction with others. Fighting with father nearly constantly. Grades miserable for an overachiever such as myself. Life was “awful”
      • Awful only in how I perceived it. I was still living in America, with all of my needs being seen to, which, comparatively, is better than most of the world. So, I was doing pretty well. But how we see the world is what creates our reality. If we see a sucky world, we live in a sucky world.
      • No matter what happens, the way that we see things shapes how we feel about them.
Breaking Point
    • After a particularly nasty fight with my father I began to consider a dark and brooding thought: I'd rather be dead.
      • This was not the first time I'd considered the thought, but it was the first time it had pushed itself forward so keenly in my thoughts, settling in the forefront.
Situation
    • I didn't have access to a knife without raising some eyebrows. I didn't have a gun. I didn't really have many solid ways of killing myself.
    • I DID have a pair of scissors, but they didn't cut through skin the right way.
    • Ultimately, deep inside, I don't think I wanted to die, I was too afraid of its unknowns.
    • Instead, I stabbed my arm repeatedly with the scissors, until my entire arm was covered in blood, it drenched my pants and the floor. I remember dumbly thinking “my pants are ruined”.
    • My arm felt weak and buzzed incessantly, but none of the wounds I made were particularly deep or dangerous.
    • I remember crying, stabbing myself, crying. I took care of the wound in the end, washing it all off, and I cried a lot more for what I had done, for what I had wanted to do but was too afraid to finish.
Consequences
  • In the end I failed, I never ended up killing myself. I may have tried one other time, but the result was much the same.
  • The most frightening aspect of the suicide attempt wasn't the attempt itself, I was far too afraid to go through with it. It was the darkness of the thoughts that took over my person when I tried.
  • It's sort of hard to explain, unless you've felt it, but that feeling, the thought that you would be better off dead, it's absolutely terrifying.
  • Those who attempt suicide are often accused of not considering how their actions will affect others. This is untrue, many of them leave suicide notes, often times apologizing for their act. I felt this too.
    • When I considered dying, I thought about everyone it might affect, and how it might impact their lives.
  • Despite my considerations, I was able to, illogically, conclude that the world would be better off without me. This only further scared me. Ultimately, it holds some truth: we're somewhat dispensable, but thinking that way doesn't do us any good.
Moving Past
  • Getting over suicide isn't necessarily about finding value within ourselves, but, rather, in the life around us.
  • The answer is not in convincing ourselves that we shouldn't die because of how important WE are but because of how awesome the world is.
  • Whether or not I'm here tomorrow, life will continue on and it will continue being amazing. If I take my life, I miss out on the opportunity to experience that awesomeness.
  • It's like waiting in line for a roller coaster after walking around for hours at an amusement park. Whether it takes 10 minutes, half an hour, an hour or hours, we still do it because we'll enjoy the ride.
  • If we let it, life will give us far greater and more lasting opportunities to enjoy it than a roller coaster ever could.
Conclusion
  • When we begin to enjoy life, THAT is the key to finding value in ourselves. Because we begin to think about how we can make life better for the world around us, how we can contribute.
  • By choosing life, I took steps forward to making myself a better person.
  • Suicide is giving up on life, if that's the place that you're in, you just need to look around more and see how awesome life can be. Laugh, smile, play. It's all there, you just have to choose it.
  • Thanks for watching Vlog 5.
  • Let me know your opinions of the new format.
  • Take care!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Vlog 4: Casey Anthony

Video



Casey Anthony

  • As mentioned in the previous Vlog, this Vlog selects a topic in the news to discuss about in relation to the Human Experience.
  • This Vlog is NOT about my personal beliefs on the case
    • The Vlog focuses specifically on the multitude of reactions to the case
    • How our reactions to something so emotionally powerful reflect our basic human nature
    • Positive and Negative reactions that result from our response
  • The Casey Anthony case brings up a rise of emotions from a heavily instinctual part of ourselves
    • We are fierce in our belief of protecting children
    • Children bear both the quality of being innocent and representing our future
    • We expect, on a fundamental level, for parenthood to change an individual to someone who entirely motivated over their children
      • Not every parent is affected in the same way
      • Not everyone is ready to be a parent
      • Some people become parents before they should
    • The fact is that our society provides no barrier to becoming a parent, as a free society should, but it also means that terrible parents can come about.
      • Terrible parents are ostracized, often and labeled as monsters
    • The passions evoked in the defense of children are admirable, it reflects a genuine caring over the children of the world. It reflects a true moment in the human race.
      • We must channel this passion towards positives:
        • “I don't want children to have to go through that, so...”
        • I will make sure I don't have children before I'm ready
        • I will passionately teach my children about the responsibilities of parenthood
        • If my children become parents before they're ready, I'll be watching constantly
      • Some of these things might be considered annoying, but they may be necessary.
      • The alternative is negative passion:
        • A woman in OK running another off the road because she thought the woman was Casey Anthony (despite Casey Anthony being in jail)
        • Countless death threats lobbed at Casey Anthony – Death threats won't bring Caylee back, and they do not guarantee justice. People are far too hell bent on murder.
        • Ranting, raving, and otherwise becoming stressed in spite of a lack of information from which one can come to a true conclusion.
  • The case brings up a number of interesting examples of human emotion, but it's dangerous as well. As creatures, we live off of instinct and being able to react quickly, but we are also self-aware, that's part of what being human is.
  • Our self-awareness MUST necessitate that we consider our passion and direct it to a positive influence our society will falter and we'll never make progress.
    • Passions guiding us without reason or thought has led us to war and bloodshed, racism and prejudice. It does not make the world better unless it is used for art.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Daily 4: "A Dance with Dragons" and Update on Vlog 4!



I'm posting Daily 4 much later than I hoped (as in, I was hoping to continue these dailies on a more normal schedule of each day this week) but it's up now and in it I talk about what has been going on with me this week, as in why I didn't have dailies posted, as well as some updates as to why Vlog 4 could be delayed. Emphasis is on could because it's not a guarantee, it may still happen on time.

In short, I've been reading "A Dance with Dragons", so, aside from work or a few other personal details I needed to cover, I haven't been doing much else. This means I haven't explored how to improve my videos much and I haven't posted any dailies. Sorry! I'm roughly just past half of the way through it I think.

Since I'm working 12-9 today and 11-7 tomorrow (both shifts on my feet, the entire time, ugh) I won't have a lot of time in between to find a good recording time and then also work on making sure the video comes out right. Still, I'm aiming to record tomorrow morning, put the video together and have it exporting while I work. If everything turns out okay, I'll have it all ready when I get back at 7 and it will be uploaded to be released at 11pm as normal. If something happens and I can't, it will be pushed back to be posted some time on Monday.

Thanks for understanding, keep following!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Vlog 3: Self-Actualization

Video

  
Outline
Self-Actualization

  • Recap of Self-Actualization leads to Happiness point
    • Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, if you reach “Self Actualization” you satisfy that need and there are no more needs to realize, the only way to lose that happiness is to lose your Self Actualization, which is rather difficult.
  • Self-Actualization = Life
  • Self-Actualization is not Identity
    • Common misconception.
    • Identity = Teenage – Young Adult, more superficial
      • What do I like? i.e. What do I wear? What do I listen to? What do I find attractive, etc...
      • Our identities shape our external “face” to the world
    • Story of the Math kid
      • Kid reads a math book, thinks he knows everything to know about math. The kid knows a lot about math though, enough to get him through grade school. This is like identity.
      • Kid goes to higher education and is posed a problem by a professor that he cannot solve, ego is shattered. He doesn't know everything.
      • Slowly the kid begins to realize that being knowledgeable at math means knowing that you don't know. Every answer unearths new questions.
    • Self-Actualization = Exploration of what it means to be You
      • Self-Actualization is the realization that your identity is not the sum of who you are
  • Self-Actualization is the Human Experience
    • When one self-actualizes they explore what makes us human:
      • Why do I love?
      • Why do I think?
      • Why do I enjoy what I enjoy?
      • Etc...
  • Human Experience = Life Purpose
    • Religion is irrelevant in this, if you believe in a higher power, the higher power generally motivates self-improvement and understanding
    • Without religion we are more “free” to choose our purpose, but the only purpose which makes sense for continuing life, which is what our species desires to do, is to continue to improve our world, and we do that by bettering ourselves.
  • Tie continued Vlogs into Self-Actualization

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Vlog 3 to be posted tomorrow!



Tomorrow's Vlog is recorded and set to export. I just need to review it, convert the file format and then it will be ready. Expect it by 11pm tomorrow, unless I run into any major issues. I work from 11-7 tomorrow, so I won't be able to do any work on it then if there are any specific problems. Hopefully there won't be, I'm really excited about this Vlog.

Thank you to anyone who is following, if you like what I'm doing then be sure to share it with your friends. I'm trying to get the word out there in order to open up and spread this conversation. Keep being you!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Technorati?

Hey all! I'm joining Technorati. Why? Because any method to increase traffic is good. The point of this Vlog/Blog is to share with others, and so I'm willing to do what it takes to share this with them. The hope is that my Vlogs will allow us to explore ourselves and become better people, but, in order for that to have a big effect, I'd like to reach as many people as possible.

I'm an idealistic with a dream. It may be unrealistic, but I can try reaching for the stars nonetheless.

Oh, and: ZXP7ZSHJBWJH

Yeah, apparently that's supposed to identify me. YHJGJHNGFGHCVMHJV to you too. :)

Vlog 2: Happiness (Outline)



The Transcript will be posted in a little bit, but I figured I would also share the outline for my Vlog. These are the things I physically read from while talking.


Happiness

  • Intro:
    • Greetings, introduction of topic: Happiness
    • Video will be split into at least two parts.
    • Do Troll thing quickly
  • Simple vs Meaningful
    • Simple: Delighted, pleased, or glad as over a particular thing.
      • Things: Love, Family, Job, Money
        • Some things are more “solid” than others, money is ephemeral and can easily be lost, which is why we say “money can't buy happiness”. Things like family are more lasting and less conditional.
    • Meaningful: An abiding satisfaction with life.
      • Type of Happiness: Satisfaction
        • Satisfaction is not glee or or cheerfulness. It's not like the adrenaline rush you get from playing a game or the “cloud 9” feeling after a great date.
        • Thing: Life. Life is the most solid of things, when you no longer have it, you're not going to care whether or not you're happy. If you believe in an afterlife, you're still “living” and death is merely a transition.
% Should be roughly 2 minutes
  • Example: Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
    • Disclaimer: Philosophical, not Psychological
    • There are levels of needs, with the bottom needs needing to be satisfied before other needs will be looked at.
    • Meeting a need leads to satisfaction
    • Realizing a need leads to dissatisfaction
    • Difficult for Developed/Wealthy vs Undeveloped/Poor
    • Three Tiers of Needs: Physiological, Psychological, and Self-Fulfillment
      • Developed Nations have the bottom 2 needs met almost by default, and are thus focused on meeting the more elusive psychological and self-fulfillment needs.
    • There are three “elusive” needs: Love, Esteem, and Self-Actualization
    • Each need builds a more solid foundation upon the others, so that, if you reach your need for “esteem” for instance, then if you lose someone you love, or a friendship breaks, you're better able to deal with that loss and maintain your esteem.
    • Love is the easiest of the three to meet, it's often given to us unconditionally, and even the most “loner” type of individual can generally find a group of friends to be with.
    • Esteem is a need our society forces us to realize and is one of the largest causes of unhappiness. We generally meet our need for love, but don't feel worthwhile, and thus, dissatisfied.
      • Esteem is a huge issue, and it's not easy to get to that point. If we rely on others for our Esteem it is mostly just an extension of Love needs and if we lose that support then we fall back, it's not “true” Esteem in that sense.
      • Support from others IS important though, we just have to learn how to internalize that support, believe it, and work with it to build our own Esteem so that we can meet that need.
    • Esteem is often the ceiling for happiness for many people, once they feel worthwhile they often don't realize the need for self-actualization and continue on with their lives unaware.
      • This is a good thing and a bad thing, if their esteem is never lost or they never realize the need for self-actualization then they can have a deep, abiding satisfaction with life.
      • However, if they lose their esteem, either because of a significant failure, or if they have a sudden realization of self-actualization (mid-life or quarter-life crises) then they suddenly become dissatisfied again.
      • Such happiness is dependent on esteem, which is less solid than self.
  • Conclusion
    • Keep watch for part 2 of the Happiness segment
    • Thank you!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Vlog 2 delays

In accordance with the schedule laid out in the previous blog, I should be posting Vlog 2 tonight. Of course, I could easily have just reasons to push it off until next Sunday, the point of the Vlog is to share, not to pull people around on a string. Unfortunately, my hands may be tied.

I love Premiere Elements, it has, relatively cheaply, offered me a lot of power. That power, however, seems to come with a hidden cost too though. My lack of experience with the program means that when something goes wrong, I don't know how to fix it. Right now that means that I'm having issues fixing the latest problem.

The simple explanation is that at 9 minutes and 39 seconds, the video continues but the audio simply cuts out. Of course, it's a fair bit more complicated than that. For instance, the video plays fine in Premiere, after rendering even, and the error only crops up in the exported file from the project. I'm unsure of what's causing the problem, but I do know that even when I find it, I will have to export it a second time, which is going to take at least 2 and a half hours, if not longer. But I don't want to waste my time, so I have to make sure it doesn't happen again first, and that could take some time, since I don't have a truly active community at my disposal yet. The one I'm using currently primarily relies on one Mod to answer questions, so its actual active userbase is relatively weak.

In the mean time I am working on getting a video up which shows me drawing in Photoshop. It's a not a Vlog, but it fits under the Miscellaneous material I said I would be sharing. Hopefully that gets up without too much of a hitch. Before that though I hope to post up a short video so that subscribers of the Youtube account can know of this blog and the delays of Vlog 2.

Sorry about everything, hopefully it will improve in time and less problems like this will occur.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Vlog Set-up, times, etc...

Alright, so, while Vlog 2 is rendering, I figured I would lay out some details about my plans for theAwkwardGEEK.

Times
theAwkwardGEEK will be a weekly vlog which is posted on Sunday nights, probably about 11pm.


Why a Weekly Vlog?
I'm going to make theAwkwardGEEK a weekly vlog for a number of reasons. First, it's a fair amount of work. As the vlogs progress I will be learning more and more about how to use Premiere Elements 8 and will hopefully be able to improve the production quality of the vlogs a fair amount. However, that sort of effort takes time. Also, since I'm not simply spouting off about life or other things, I really have to organize what I want to say so that it comes out in a precise, interesting, and engaging manner. In order do this I need time to write it all down in an "outline" format and then practice it a few times to get all of my thoughts out and time everything.

Beyond those reasons, I simply have other things I'm doing. While making the vlog is fun and exciting, I still have: Work, family, friends, a blog I do during the week, and games that I want to play. All of these things make the task of doing this sort of thing daily extremely daunting. If this was a full-time job (and I was paid accordingly) I could probably manage it, but, even then, coming up with topics would be difficult.

For now it will be a weekly vlog. However, as I get more comfortable with the software, the creation process (topic generation, outlining) and other things, I could be inclined to up the number and do the vlog more frequently.

Layout
I have this blog and the Youtube channel where the vlogs are posted. When I release a new vlog I will post the transcript and outline up on this blog and I will post the vlog on Youtube. This blog will also be used for updates, such as if I need to delay or cancel a vlog, and will also be used to let you know when I post other videos on the channel.

Other Videos
While I may not do the vlog daily, I may post updates of how life is going for me personally on the channel. These are not "theAwkwardGEEK" vlogs, but I will call them "dailies" and I'm not yet certain whether I will do them or how often they will be done, but they're a consideration. I may also post other videos simply of me doing various activities or talking about random topics that I don't feel are vlog worthy, or just because I want to talk about them.

Other Blogs
I may, from time to time, also just post a straight-up blog here. I'm not sure when or if I will, or what would inspire me to such, but I write fairly well and there's always the chance that I'd want to share my thoughts on something in written form. So, keep an eye out for other blogs as well.

Thanks!
Thank you to anyone who chooses to follow my Vlog, and anything else I might post as theAwkwardGEEK. This is a project I'm excited about, and it's something I hope can touch many people and use the power of the internet to a positive purpose. If you like it, share it with your friends, let people know about theAwkwardGEEK!

Vlog 1: Hello World



Note: This is a Vlog transcript, as such it is conversational and is not corrected to a "written" format of voice.


Hello and welcome to my video log, theAwkwardGEEK. A little bit about that name, I'm actually listed as AwkwardGEEK on Youtube because theAwkwardGeek is actually taken. But, I will refer to myself as theAwkwardGEEK, you'll see that in any graphics that I do for this. That's the name, it's theAwkwardGEEK and it's just something that's sort of descriptive of me. I'm definitely a geek, I'm very passionate about the things I do, especially computers and technology, any games that I play. I'm a very awkward person, I stumble over myself, I'm sort of socially awkward as many geeks are, so I just felt that was a descriptive name. It allowed me to poke fun at myself, to show you that, you know, this is, while there may be serious topics in the blog, I can be funny, I can be silly. I like to be funny and silly, it's part of, sort of my philosophy for life. So, poking fun at myself, theAwkwardGEEK, there you go.

The premise of this vlog is to talk about being human. It's something that, when I took creative writing classes in college, we talked about literary fiction was sort of exploring what it was like to be human. This vlog is sort of similar, but, instead of creative fiction, I'm going to share being human through life experiences, I'm going to share being human by talking about how we can be better people, and I'm going to share being human through talking about news stories and things of that nature, and my reactions to those if I feel like they're pertinent to what it's like being human. And being human is such a broad concept, but in general, it's, you know, what does it feel like to be human, what do we see, what do we hear, what do we do? And how do we react to the world around us, how do we react to other people? And so that's sort of the basic premise of it. I want to be able to have a discussion with the internet about being human. I feel like it's something that isn't talked about a lot. There's so much stuff on the internet, all this pop culture stuff, and it's great, but, I just want to talk about being human, I just want to have that discussion.

And then lastly, a little introduction to me, because you'll be seeing a lot of me if you're following this blog. I'm 22, turning 23 tomorrow actually. Today is the 7th of July, in 2011 and I'm a young person, but I'm an adult. I've graduated college and have a bachelors in Psychology. And I had hoped after graduating to do something with it, either to go on to graduate school, really that was sort of my goal was to go on to graduate school. But right now, just looking for a job. I'm in a part-time job right now. Minimum wage. It's just enough to allow me to contribute a little bit of money to the house, I'm living at home, it's an unfortunate circumstance but it is what it is. And to just make minimum payments on my tuition bills, you know, the loans that I took out. So, that's the situation as it is, it's not a happy situation, but you're going to find that I'm relatively upbeat about it. I am optimistic, I'm looking for jobs in my field, looking for the possibility of going to grad school. So I'm pretty optimistic, and it's not a big deal. I just think that life is worth living, and even if everything isn't ideal it's not a huge issue. It's not worth being upset over. So, that's a little about me. It's a little bit about this blog.

I don't know how often I'm going to do these blogs, I don't know if it's going to be daily or a few days a week or weekly or what. It really depends on whether or not this blog is successful, whether or not I feel up to it. How busy I am. All things depending, that's sort of what we're looking at there. I don't know how long these are gonna be. This one is gonna hopefully be somewhere between four and five minutes, I'm almost finished. And I really wouldn't want to expect them to be long. I can be sort of wordy, I can be sort of verbose, but I want to keep them a consistent length, so if I have a topic that I want to talk about that takes awhile, I may simply split it up into multiple vlogs, because I feel like people's attention span often doesn't go longer than five minutes. I won't always know what I'm going to talk about next. But to keep you interested, hopefully, the next topic that I'm going to talk about in my next video log, whenever it is, is about being happy, choosing happiness and my discovery of that. I can tell you right now that that IS a long topic, and I don't know whether or not I'm going to just go a full ten minutes and talk about all of it, or if I'm going to split it up, or if it will even just take longer than ten minutes [and] I have to split it up either way. I really don't want to go longer than ten minutes on any of them though, that's for sure.

So, that's all I've got for you right now. I hope you're interested, I hope you're as excited as I am to be doing this. And thank you for watching.